Alika. The Evergreen State. Cancer. Society once killed a teenager.
"And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything."
-William Shakespeare
There are so many things to say I don’t even know where to start.
We loved each other, we had different attachment styles. She needed more space, I wanted to be close. I took her needing space personally. It wasn’t personal. She didn’t know how to make me feel close to her in her absence.
We ran, and are continuing to run a successful business together.
She’s forgetting about me as a lover, my heart is in 1 trillion pieces, i miss her more than I miss going home (heaven).
I depended on her for so many things that I should’ve depended on myself for, or on friends for.
In my search for closeness I crossed her boundaries.
I supported her a lot financially and spiritually.
Her savings got the business off the ground.
She couldn’t find the space to support me emotionally. She didn’t know how. Sometimes I felt she didn’t want to.
I know how I could do better next time.
IM PISSED. I wish I had had a more serious relationship before her to learn all these lessons, so I didn’t have to fuck up on the love of my life!!!
IM PISSSSSSSEDDSSDSS UGH.
I know how I’d do better this time. I’ve been reading books.
1. Don’t take distance personally. Distance is good.
2. Sessions, sessions, sessions. Hold that space for each other.
3. Know how to meet, and make the effort to meet each other’s needs.
4. Respect all boundaries even if they’re new and have never been there before.
5. Slow down.
6. Kiss her like it’ll be the last time, every time.
7. Check in with how things feel. If you’re not sure, ask.
8. Cultivate self awareness around your actions. How are they affecting other people.
9. Be aware of the language you use, no one can make you feel a certain way. You feel a certain way, and that’s just how you feel. You control how you react to situations.
10. Money, gifts, food, love can’t buy you love.
11. Put your needs first. Never put aside your self development for another.
“It’s amazing how much we can learn from watching nature, if we want to. I had taken a twig from my lemon balm plant to grow another one. For a couple of weeks it looked like it might die, but then suddenly, the first leaf appeared. Oh happy day! Changes are like that, painful at first, with nothing growing in our lives and we may feel like we’re about to die. But then come the happy days.”
